Woe ,Despair, agony on me.

I haven't posted for awhile, my arthritis pain and disability has been given me fits more so than not.  The pain seems worse in the Spring and the Fall, when the different seasons butt heads together. My hubby has been having a time with his back all year as well, he had injured the T5 and T6 vertebrae at work but they weasled out of workman comp and  he has a bulged disc that when it swells pinches on a cluster of nerves sending pain either to his chest or stomach. The specialist doesn't have much that they can do for him so we are waiting on a Pain Clinic appointment for next week for him.So he has been flat on his back about 10 days, we took the rest of his vacation so that we wouldn't have an interruption in his paycheck but that is it for us on any money coming in if we can't get back on the road soon. We were fixing to leave out on the road this morning ,already had a load of milk set up, although hubby is in no shape, nor I to go back on the road yet, but bills have to be paid, we have no other choices. But last night we get a call from his brother, it seems his mother who is in a Nursing Home suffering from Alzheimer's, has took a turn for the worse , they had to put her in a wheel chair because she kept falling and leaning to much,they thought maybe she had a stroke, then while in the wheel chair she fell forwards and landed head first on the floor and got a bump on her head so they sent her to the hospital, they did a CT scan and all come back ok. Hubby called  his dispatcher to cancel his load, they sent her back to the Nursing Home later on in the night, and we went to see her today. My  my she has really gone down hill since the last time we had seen her, which I am ashamed to say has been about a month and a half ago, with our pain and when we were driving we were only getting 34 hours off at home which just isn't enough time to get the work done around the house and heal up a bit from the road. His mother is totally lost to us and the world and this disease has been so fast in taking her from us. Her oldest sister suffers from this and it has been a long drawn out process with her, she lies in a bed and is totally lost to the world but she has had this for over 10 years. I think my mom in law from being diagnosed to now it had been only 5 years. I am glad though, I wish the Lord would take her now, I know that sounds terrible, but she is no longer my hubby's mom, it is her body, but who ever has taken over her mind it sure is no longer his mother. They call Alzheimer's the slow death and indeed it is. I know when and if she gets a second or so of sanity that she is in torture because she for a short span every now an again cries out in anguish over her losses. She no longer knows us, no longer can feed herself, or dress herself, or knows when to go to the toilet. She is total care. And to think she was driving and working as a home health aide about 5 and half years ago.
So we are going through the wringer now, so if anyone is reading this we need your prayers, for health , for money to pay bills, for new job off the road for hubby, for my disability Social Security to finally go through and for a quick and painless end for my mother n law who would be better off with the LORD.
blessings to ya

DISCOVERING GOD'S GRACES

                                               
Cardinal in the winter  storm                                                                                               

Devotional from 'Streams in the desert' the emphasis are mine.

"Show me wherefore thou contendest with me" (Job 10:2).

Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develop thy graces. There are some of thy graces which would never have been discovered if it were not for the trials. Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter? Love is too oft like a glowworm, showing but little light except it be in the midst of surrounding darkness. Hope itself is like a star--not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black folds in which God doth set the jewels of His children's graces, to make them shine the better.

It was but a little while ago that, on thy knees, thou wast saying, "Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith."

Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials?--for how canst thou know that thou hast faith until thy faith is exercised? Depend upon it. God often sends us trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence. Besides, it is not merely discovery; real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials.

God trains His soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers and climb mountains, and walk many a weary mile with heavy knapsacks on their backs. Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which you are passing? Is not this the reason why He is contending with you? --C. H. Spurgeon

To be left unmolested by Satan is no evidence of blessing.

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What a blessing this is for me this morning! For a Believer, there are never any accidents in our lives, NEVER! We are not in this world for comfort or riches, we are here to grow into what God would have us be, and that is it. I had wondered if I had any faith anymore? I feared that maybe I had lost what little I thought I had of God's gift of faith. There have been many an article that could have destroyed all of my small faith in God, the bible and my Lord. But you know there is as much evidence in God, the bible and my Lord as there is not. I have chosen to see God in it all! It is the only explanation of this existance to me, it is the only one that truly made sense to me! I have had continuing disability haunt me, continuing pain and distress haunting me, but I praise God because of them, for they forced me to examine what it is I believed, these trials forced me to see the silver lining in it all, and I truly thank God that I still believe, and that His faith a gift to me is still intact and growing, PTL!
In His Hands!
Shalom

Not in the tumult of the rending storm,

Not in the earthquake or devouring flame;

But in the hush that could all fear transform,

The still, small whisper to the prophet came.

0 Soul, keep silence on the mount of God,

Though cares and needs throb around thee like a sea;

From supplications and desires unshod,

Be still, and hear what God shall say to thee.

All fellowship hath interludes of rest,

New strength maturing in each poise of power;

The sweetest Alleluias of the blest

Are silent, for the space of half an hour.

0 rest, in utter quietude of soul,

Abandon words, leave prayer and praise awhile;

Let thy whole being, hushed in His control,

Learn the full meaning of His voice and smile.

Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,

Not taking Heaven by violence of will;

But with thy Father as a child sit down,

And know the bliss that follows His "Be Still!"

--Mary Rowles Jarvis

LIVING WITH DISABLITY AND PAIN, My Prayer

Gracious God and Yahshua my Lord, in whom I live and move and have my being, as I learn to live with this chronic pain and disability, it is my desire to  be open to your presence and mercy. God of Mercy, grant me eyes to see and ears to hear, that I may recognize your presence   Christ the Messiah through every hard passage, as I live with this illness. In the deep distress of living with this pain, may I know that You behold every moment of my pain and fear. May I know that You are with me. Surely, you behold  my trouble and misery.You see it and take it into your own hand.Lord as I live with a body that is full of pain and stiffness ,my ability to walk and do daily, what needs to be done is becoming harder and harder to do.I have discovered that my need of others and my need of knowing You and Your presence in my life grows more and more each day. But I know somehow that there is a  gift in all this as I  discover this need, though it may be completely disconcerting, I know that you are in this with me each moment of every day and I will bless You LORD at all times; and Your praise shall ever be in my mouth.This day, I ask Your blessing on those who live with the pain,disease and  illness  .I ask Your blessing on the researchers who create medicines and treatments that allow all of us  to live with pain ,disease and illness. And remember especially those who have no access to medical care Lord keep them in Your love and mercy and grace. 

Gracious God of Life and Mercy, grant me the awareness of others who live with illness ,pain and disabilities too, help me remember to lift them up in prayer when sleep evades me, when pain and discomfort awakens me in the wee hours of the night ,help me use this time to bless others in their need. Teach me to pray for those who care and tend the sick. And may my prayers bless You as well. In all this I have come to realize the brevity of human life and the awesome gift that you have given me in this very life I now have.I realize from the perspective of eternity, from the eternal now , our lives here are all to brief. But you Lord have given me the medicine of remembering that my life is short and uncertain, contingent and interdependent , living with this pain is helping me to  remember those truths.

Gentle Messiah, you brought me into being and sustain my earthly life.   I know that my days are numbered and that they are sustained by Your love and I will be received into Your arms of mercy at my end. Thank you Lord for the wisdom, insight and common sense that You have  awakened in me as a result of living with this condition and illness.Lord I thank you for the knowledge ,that I have a sacred personhood in You, Christ my Messiah, and may all Your dear ones who now are living with illness and pain, who, knowing that death may be very close, may all of them come to  know that they too have a sacred personhood in You as well.  I give You thanks, most gracious God, for those who have helped me along the way.   And I give You thanks for leading me to see the varieties of life I have known through this illness.
Ever gentle Christ, my heart is sore and heavy with all that this illness has brought into my life. Be with me in my daily life; And Lord be with all who live with pain,disabilities and chronic illness. My God and Lord , in You alone my soul  waits. Christ help me remember and realize that You dwell  in me and I dwell in  You . Grant me, gracious God,  in this moment to rest in You, to know your presence in silence and in pain and to know your love that makes me, keeps me and receives me. Lord I desire to dwell in   steadfast love of  Your own house, to seek shelter under Your gentle wing of mercy. Merciful and loving Christ, help me to know You as You are. Grant me a sure sense of Your presence and guidance, that as I walk with this illness, I may know that Your love is steadfast. In this pain and in my life I choose to  take refuge in You.Thank You Gracious Lord   my Savior for my earth angel ,My Husband Mike, for in and through him I see Your love in action for me and I am so grateful for You in him , so in closing, I lift Mike up to You ,may he see You in me, may he realize your presence, my he come to know You in a sure way , Lord have mercy on him and heal him of the pain he has been going through. Lord in all honesty we both need You in a big way in our lives, May You become a living presence in both of us. Thank You for Your gift of life and the forgiveness of our sins, thank You  for Your sacrifice ,love and mercy Amen.